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WOMAN
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1000 WORDS

Sharing thoughts on photography, entrepreneurship, perfectionism, art, chance-taking, parenting, partnership, self-love, and, and, and…

July 2019
- Jul 11, 2019 THOUGHTS // Things I Want to Share 7/11/2019 Jul 11, 2019
- Jul 8, 2019 Song of the Week // Bird by Bedouine Jul 8, 2019
- Jul 6, 2019 ARTIST PORTRAITS // HAILY SOUTH Jul 6, 2019
June 2019
- Jun 29, 2019 THOUGHTS // ART AS GOD, ALWAYS Jun 29, 2019
- Jun 27, 2019 SEEN // The Seen Experience Jun 27, 2019
- Jun 26, 2019 Song of the Week // Into the Mystic by Van Morrison Jun 26, 2019
- Jun 24, 2019 SEEN // Mette Harrison Jun 24, 2019
- Jun 20, 2019 SEEN // Preparing Mind & Body for Your Photo Session Jun 20, 2019
- Jun 19, 2019 Song of the Week // Everybody's Coming to My House by David Byrne with the Detroit School of Arts Jun 19, 2019
- Jun 18, 2019 Sundance Seen // Mini Sessions - July 14th 5-8 pm Jun 18, 2019
- Jun 13, 2019 THOUGHTS // Sacred Simultaneity Jun 13, 2019
- Jun 12, 2019 Song of the Week // A Different Kind of Human by Aurora Jun 12, 2019
- Jun 10, 2019 SHARED // "From Afraid of Risk to Fearless and Free" D'Arcy's Play it Brave Podcast Jun 10, 2019
- Jun 5, 2019 SEEN // Session Dates for Summer 2019 Jun 5, 2019
- Jun 5, 2019 Song of the Week // Human by Molly Sarlé Jun 5, 2019
- Jun 2, 2019 THOUGHTS // Sight and the Soul Jun 2, 2019
May 2019
- May 31, 2019 SURVEY SHARE // Lacey May 31, 2019
- May 29, 2019 THOUGHTS // Expansion & Boundaries May 29, 2019
- May 29, 2019 Song of the Week // Cranes in the Sky by Solange May 29, 2019
- May 27, 2019 THOUGHTS // I Know How You Feel May 27, 2019
- May 27, 2019 THOUGHTS // SOUL MATE LOVE May 27, 2019
- May 24, 2019 Featured Review // Andrea Updike May 24, 2019
- May 23, 2019 THOUGHTS // SAFE OR SELF-LOVE May 23, 2019
- May 23, 2019 THOUGHTS // Bio Before, Bio After May 23, 2019
- May 22, 2019 Song of the Week // Horizon by Aldous Harding May 22, 2019
- May 22, 2019 THOUGHTS // Collaborative Portraiture May 22, 2019
- May 21, 2019 SEEN // Maddie Beeton May 21, 2019
- May 20, 2019 THOUGHTS // Birthing a Bio May 20, 2019
- May 18, 2019 THOUGHTS // Perfectionism and Resistance May 18, 2019
- May 15, 2019 Song of the Week // Make You Better by Uni Ika Ai May 15, 2019
- May 14, 2019 SEEN // Errin Julkunen Pedersen May 14, 2019
- May 8, 2019 Song of the Week // Crystal by Stevie Nicks May 8, 2019
- May 6, 2019 BRANDING PORTRAITURE // Emily Fox King May 6, 2019
- May 1, 2019 THOUGHTS // Beaconing Humus May 1, 2019
- May 1, 2019 Song of the Week // Queendom by Aurora May 1, 2019
April 2019
- Apr 24, 2019 Song of the Week // I Know a Place by Muna Apr 24, 2019
- Apr 17, 2019 THOUGHTS // Collapse of Belief Apr 17, 2019
- Apr 17, 2019 Song of the Week // Hammond- The Roches Apr 17, 2019
- Apr 16, 2019 THOUGHTS // To the "Too Much" Woman Apr 16, 2019
- Apr 15, 2019 M O T H E R // Carol Apr 15, 2019
- Apr 14, 2019 M O T H E R // Usha Apr 14, 2019
- Apr 12, 2019 M O T H E R // Amanda Apr 12, 2019
- Apr 11, 2019 M O T H E R // Audrey Apr 11, 2019
- Apr 10, 2019 Song of the Week // Bad Girls- M.I.A. Apr 10, 2019
- Apr 10, 2019 M O T H E R // Vanessa Apr 10, 2019
- Apr 9, 2019 M O T H E R // Maddie Apr 9, 2019
- Apr 9, 2019 AIRPORTRAITS // Mo Amer Apr 9, 2019
- Apr 8, 2019 THOUGHTS // Fuck Easy Apr 8, 2019
- Apr 8, 2019 THOUGHTS // Reality of Love Apr 8, 2019
- Apr 4, 2019 BRAND PORTRAITURE // Amanda Green Pottery Apr 4, 2019
- Apr 3, 2019 Song of the Week // Cactus Tree- Joni Mitchell Apr 3, 2019
- Apr 2, 2019 BRAND PORTRAITURE // Priscilla Bingham Apr 2, 2019
- Apr 1, 2019 BRAND PORTRAITS // Dr Dee Frayne -My Yes Life Apr 1, 2019
March 2019
- Mar 28, 2019 THOUGHTS // I'll Be Damned Mar 28, 2019
- Mar 28, 2019 BRAND PORTRAITS // Angel Castillo for Ogden Mayor Mar 28, 2019
- Mar 27, 2019 Song of the Week // Feels Like a Curse- Lucius Mar 27, 2019
- Mar 21, 2019 THOUGHTS // Call and Response Mar 21, 2019
- Mar 20, 2019 BRAND PORTRAITS // Audrey Christensen - Hey Be Fab Mar 20, 2019
- Mar 19, 2019 PRODUCTION HEADSHOTS // McKenzie Steele Foster Mar 19, 2019
- Mar 14, 2019 SEEN // ERIKA EDDINGTON Mar 14, 2019
February 2019
- Feb 25, 2019 THOUGHTS // Resisting Perfectionism by Speaking Shame Feb 25, 2019
January 2019
- Jan 11, 2019 1/11/2019- Weekly Braindump and Review Jan 11, 2019
December 2018
- Dec 14, 2018 PUBLISHED // Distance of the Moon Dec 14, 2018
- Dec 14, 2018 FAMILY AT HOME // The Beatty Family Dec 14, 2018
November 2018
- Nov 13, 2018 REVIEW // Mitchener Twin Children Portraits Nov 13, 2018
- Nov 13, 2018 SEEN // Alicia Sanford Nov 13, 2018
- Nov 2, 2018 THOUGHTS // Ultraviolet Update Nov 2, 2018
- Nov 2, 2018 FAMILY AT HOME // The Sanford Family Nov 2, 2018
- Nov 2, 2018 PUBLISHED // Artist Interview, San Diego Voyager Nov 2, 2018

Song of the Week // Bad Girls- M.I.A.

April 10, 2019 in SONG OF THE WEEK

← M O T H E R // Audrey M O T H E R // Vanessa →

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ashley.thalman@gmail.com

@ashleythalmanphoto

801.319.7114

Mash love update. We are very much in love because that’s what best best friends do. Our kids hate that we “flirt” so much, he is good at everything, cold water is the way to feeling alive, we are deep hippy these days and as they say, love is all you need.

As much as photography is a work that provides pure, edge-softening pleasure, it is also a crucible that has brought me into the fire of facing my many fears. I fear crowds, I fear not belonging, I fear that love isn’t real, I held fear that I would never have the life I yearned for, I’ve faced my fear of death, I fear not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do, I fear being a fraud. I could go on and on. I’ve stepped to the front line of these experiences over and over, afraid every time.

Fear is a portal, a personally curated invitation into a deeper place of being. Finding silence behind my camera when I’m deafened by my own heartbeat is why I do what I do. I’m scared almost every time I lift my camera. But I’ve learned to swallow it. As the years go by it becomes more and more obvious that holding these fears might cause me to be strange or act as such, and I care less and less about how it looks because I know I have to do it in order to get to the other side of fear where that silence, that focus, that reverence that helps me show and say what I’m trying to say, awaits.

Thank you to @maiyabuck.photo of @photoshootcollective for organizing this photo meet-up. Not only was it well-planned but it helped me grow through the portals of my serpent fear. I dream about snakes often and I wake sobbing but look! Look at how beautiful their markings are, look at their living mobility.

Thank you to the models @maleebie who held themselves in confidence and forgave my jumpy distance and for the snake handlers for empowering me with more knowledge about these creatures. I’ll be sharing more on my stories today.

The older I get, the more distaste I have for phony, empty bullshit. You too?

This summer I’ve been photographing artists more than ever and I feel like I’ve hit the lottery. Pigment stained, painting, making, apron adorned people who take their places as keepers and truth tellers in the web of our world. I have a theory that artists hold everything together and so far my theory holds. I shared more images of @hailysouth on my blog over the weekend, take a look and check out her work, her Provo mural, and her happy, encouraging stories here on Instagram.

We used to implode. But thanks to her, and thanks to me, we explode now.

This morning I woke at 9. I slept well, the kids are gone, and the light was blocked perfectly, and for once, in a long while, I woke without the anxiety of the lists that lay endlessly before me thinking instead about the thoughts and questions I want to share. So I’m writing this is real time to show how my mind works when I feel the urge to reach out and share.

I want to write about the whiplash guilt and glory of single motherhood, about dividing my life between the gift of too-many passions, about companionship and friendship and how for me, art is god. Art is god in all the ways I cannot explain the unknown and about how I wouldn’t ever want to come to the bottom of what it means and how I delight in trying.

A few weeks ago I woke early and headed south to be with women. Women with bees, women in canyons, women with paint and medium splashed on their sacred apron as the sound of my lens banged the glass pane between us. Women in the grass, holy and seen, women nude and dazzled and free in a hot tub with twinkle light and me sobbing at my friends table because sometimes it’s too much, the beauty and losses of life. The moving and rebuilding and goodbye grief sobs that come a year late and how that grief has subsided and now it all feels right again.

I want to remind myself and leave bread crumbs for all of us to remember that the ways we love, and are loved, is the balm that makes all the beauty and brutality of life holy and how the yearning to share it is a call well worth the war that comes with it.

Do you see us both in this photo? (Click the tags if you need some help.)

I included an excerpt from Keira's review in post for Seen Sessions that I created last week, but I wanted to share it in full here, today.

More and more, as I reach into the pleasure of seeing what I see, and reach out to share it, I am receiving feedback that makes me feel, for the first time in my career, that the nail is being hit squarely on the head.
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"I have posed for thirteen years, but I have never had an experience like this. Ms.Thalman is well-versed in neutral and respectful language and full consent on any adjusting, touching, or poses. I have appreciated her attention to details like asking for input in the creative process, respecting body autonomy, and sharing images as the art/property that they are. She was well prepared for the shoot and engaged and energetic for the many hours of work in natural terrain. Ms. Thalman was also compassionate about the work I was doing and anticipated many needs. Her instincts are to be trusted and her resilience with challenging environments or collaborators is admirable. I felt protected, yet venerated. I felt respected, yet cherished. This goes far beyond knowing her lenses and angles. I have never met anyone like that.
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Thank you @keirashaeauthor for seeing me, even as I see you.

Do you see what I see?

Do you let yourself?

What does it mean that I will never be you, and that you will never be me, and that we are mirrors and projections and judgements of ourselves, in the other?

Why can’t we behold ourselves?

What does it mean to show up?

What does it mean to be at ease?

What thresholds are appearing and how do we step, or stay our stepping into voids and unknowns?

What does it mean to be seen?

When I got diagnosed with HPV last year, I felt like I was being held underwater. Down below the waves disorientated under the weight of my diagnosis I met shame and self-hatred and sorrow. Dis-ease can stir up deep work.

After another abnormal pap last month, I booked my colposcopy (a long stupid pelvi club exam with a big ass microscope and biopsies). It was short and not sweet and I cracked jokes and asked Matt to come (I’m a real “don’t worry, I’ll go alone” kinda gal so this was big for me) and then I asked him to take photos of my cervix through the microscope (of course I did and of course he did). When I was done I was angry and I didn’t know why so we went to lunch. I’m not good at this so Matthew kept me steady and I just felt my anger and he contained it with the beautiful empathy I trust him to surround me with. The anger went away mostly and now I’ll be wearing a pad for a while, recovering.

Naturally, I want to share some thoughts. This is basic but man, just because you get your pap, does not mean that it won’t come back without weird cells. Life does not operate in if-thens (I often think it does and then I get my heart broken). And just because you eat healthy and do all the perfectionist things, does not mean that you won’t get biopsied and scared. Plan all you like, hold all the iron rods and get all the tests but none of it means that you won’t meet tremendous failures, or divorces, or faith loses. And just because all that and more awaits you, doesn’t mean it won’t be good. And yes, you’ll go dark with self-hatred and fear but you’ll move through it.

Even hard shit can be good no matter what thrashing it takes to remember that. Somehow all the scary hard heaviness doesn’t stay hard and scary and heavy forever.

I won’t have my results on the biopsies for a week or so but I’ll return and report whatever the outcome. If you have HPV stories or questions you know how to dm and you know I’ll answer.

GIVEAWAY GIFTED SESSION // I would love to gift a session to your friend. You know her best. She’s open and warm, she’s giving and connected. She knows the darkness and the night. She takes risks, she explores self-love and encourages you to do the same. She touches the earth, she explores, and opens her mouth to protect and express.

Tag your friend here and share why she would be the perfect recipient of a “Sundance Seen” mini session on the afternoon of July 14th. Tell us what she teaches you, how she lifts you, or how she embodies strength. One recipient will be chosen and announced Monday June 24th. Yes, you may tag as many friends and sisters as you would like.

Photograph of @keirashaeauthor shared with her permission.

ANNOUNCING SUNDANCE SEEN MINI SESSIONS// Exploring femininity in the shadow of Timpanogos

July 14th 2019
$250
Limited sessions available. See details and scheduling link in bio.

We sat in its cold and squinted into its piercing fullness. Obstructing it with our fingers, and touching it with open arms we felt part of it but separate as the gradient radiance persisted, we knew our place. The rays spread into blackness even as we moved our hands to other tasks, forgetting.

We are called to and called away from galactic things and our space life wonderment comes and goes. And we come and go. Even the rocks we stand on come and go. We fade as the sun and moon and our interest and disinterests do. To be always full would be to miss the point of fullness and the gifts of the despairing dark.

Inhale, exhale, live and die, notice and ignore.

“The doors to the world of the wild self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a same door, that is a door.”- Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Andrea, thank you.

Ysa in the spectrum. Skipping the middle rainbow to bring the root and the crown together. As above, so below.

Being raised in patriarchal systems taught me about flower women in full bloom, soft, help-meet, delicate, and right. But what about the wet mossy mess of women, what about the cavern dark of her womb? What about the feminine fit of creativity and of art? What about her trudging rage? What about her sorrow? What about her screaming power?

While I planned this shoot I kept hearing the phrase “savory girl” in my head. Ysa and I both liked it. Pungent, rolled and strappy, allium layered lady. Hearty, stocky, wilting, dark. We used an onion, the arm of a kind man, and dying sunflowers and laughter and music.

Where do these weird little ideas and phrases come from? Do you know? Tell me.

I did approximately 10 things that made me fearful this week. Being on @darcybenincosa ’s podcast was a big one. I’ve loved the connection and conversation it has started inside this social community. But guys, I’ve also been feeling scary doubting feelings too. They will not go away and it’s work to accept that.

Over the course of the last 10 years I’ve met the resistance. We are in a relationship where I’ve got to make boundaries and keep them otherwise I’m going to drown in its insistent doubt and pain.
I didn’t use to know that.

I used to offer the resistance too much. I said “no” when I wanted to say “yes”, I said “yes” when I didn’t want to. My life was spent doing what I thought I should. Shoulds I didn’t agree to consciously but the circumstances of Mormon culture, being the child of an addict, American consumerism, and not understanding the nature of voice and art defaulted me, small. That kind of living has momentum that would be very easy to submit to and build my life around, even today, even after dedicating myself to beating it.

Our lady Brené says that we can’t selectively numb. We can’t outwit winter simply because we prefer summer. Uncovering numb and building soul space to feel means fighting the fury of what we left hidden, what we’ve saved for later.

Welcoming and receiving, accepting and uncovering this for me has meant feeling my drive, peace, self-loathing, confidence, fear, connection imposter syndrome, community, perfectionism, attachment disorder and fearlessness and letting them thrash around in me, in sacred simultaneity.

When I try to avoid hurt, I avoid love. If we reject one thing we reject its opposite. Beware the “good vibes only” bull-because it’s a trap. All vibrations, however they come build our brilliance and belonging and maybe that’s the entire and only reason we are here-to be wrong and right, broken and whole, sure and unsteady all in the grace of this holy whole life.