THOUGHTS // Collaborative Portraiture

I don’t know where she gathered the strength and bravery to stand for this portrait, but I suspect it came from the same place that brought me reverence in making it.

This is collaborative portraiture.

This is femininity embodied, in one of the myriad ways it takes shape as exploration.

This is a peek into the world of this mother.

This is a phase, a phrase, a holy blip of a consequential ritual with tethers that bind us from ancestor to far-flung successors.

Thank you Stephanie for letting me see and share.

Note: that tiny anything-but-a-let-down bead of let-down milk.

Photo of Stephanie Hawkes. Find Stephanie HERE

SEEN // Errin Julkunen Pedersen

Errin and I have created beautiful love story that involves a cast of colleges, children, poets, parents, bishops, prophets, and partners. It is a story set in early morning apartments with positive pregnancy tests, late afternoon hikes in rocky canyons, memorable and terrible concerts and their crowds, drinks and laughter, sobbing seriousness, pomogranates in post op, churches filled with hymns.

How can you measure the depth of a decade long sisterhood where honesty, fear, triumph, career, motherhood, partnership, divorce, dancing and indelible encouragement has cheered you both on? You receive the gift, you witness it mature.

Last month as part of my Portrait Woman:: Mother event I hosted Errin as my honorary mother at my space, Ultraviolet Studios. This session gave me an intimate and new vision of a woman I already know so well. I know her goodness. I know her fear. I know her aims but mostly, I know her work. I know the texture of a life she has decided. I have witnessed her move from a university mainstay to a tenured and widely appreciated professional, from a wanting mother to a seasoned one, from wise to wiser.

There are few people in this world who carry poetics and purpose into the soul like she does. She is deeply moral, hysterically witty, and is smarter than any mother fucker in any room, and by god- the most stylish.

Errin recently shared the following regarding her work, to both understand and become increasingly empowered, by her journey with bipolar disorder. It’s this kind of openness with encouragement that Errin does so perfectly.

“You will think you can do it all. You will be wrong. You will try so hard and fail miserably. You will lose your shit when you can’t control everything. Your greatest challenge will be recognizing that you don’t control anything. You will punch things until your hands bleed, trying to find some respite. You’ll feel like a shitty mom, a bad friend, a failing spouse, and worse. But. You’ll remember. That it passes. That every bad thing as much as every good thing brought you to where you are. That no matter where you are, it’s where you are supposed to be. I’m always trying to remember.”

Like attracts like, our matches in soul and system find and refine us. Whatever goodness I hold that pulled this brilliant woman and me together in this incarnation makes both of us lucky indeed. I love you Errin sister.

You can find Errin on Instagram at @incrediblejulk

BRANDING PORTRAITURE // Emily Fox King

Emily Fox King, brilliant and colorful.

I don’t know what would have happened without Andi Davis introducing me to Emily Fox King, but I know what did happen, I met a dynamic soulful artist who lives right here in our beautiful Ogden. Andi’s reverence for and words about Emily introduced me to a deep and spirited woman who makes art from angry, grieving, happy, bold flowers. Emily is honest and open. It was my honor to create these images for her.

We made these portraits at Ultraviolet Studios in Ogden for Emily’s work as an artist. You can see her work HERE .

After I delivered these images Emily said, “It’s like looking at a reflection of myself that doesn’t move.” Yes. And that study, that standing up to ourselves, for ourselves, is a powerful ceremony and speaks to the value of this medium that I love so so much. Thank you for making these with me, Emily.

THOUGHTS // Beaconing Humus

When spring brings

these green spears, heralds of rising life,

I ache, awake.

I want to slip myself under that emerald blanket where

roots weave through wet humus,

to listen.

To revere what the dark made holy,

to set my womb down

against the dust of life and death and life again,

to ground myself in the resurrected nourishment,

to find the quiet where loss gives rise to life.

THOUGHTS // Collapse of Belief

Photographed just after I visited an LDS temple for the last time.

It is no secret that Ashley Thalman is no longer LDS. It is also no secret that some of my most profound memories, relationships, experiences, and growth came as a practicing true-believing Mormon. And I was true. I served a mission and deeply felt the purpose of the eternal plan of salvation and it gave me hope, helped insulate me through child abuse and neglect, a parent's death, and a painful marriage.

It has been a hard and rewarding road learning to navigate spirituality on my own terms while wrestling with the pain points that very aggressively, very unexpectedly destroyed my foundational belief in Mormonism's core concepts and culture. I did not "fall away", nor was I "lead" from the paths and prescriptions of Mormonism or the Gospel. I did not read "anti". I just took my gospel doctrine calling seriously and leaned in hard to what I thought Christianity was.

It would be an understatement at best, and dishonest at worst, not to say that my faith crisis hit me with the force of war. I felt like I was exploding, imploding. I collapsed under the weight of it. I aches with screaming and sobbing and moaning. This went on and on for well over a year.

Groaning in heaves of crying, praying, begging. "Please, let it be real." --- "What is the point anymore?!"---- "What happens when we die!" I ran. I ran so hard and far and fast that I ran my knees ragged and the torn cartilage evidence is audible. 

I tried, I read and researched hoping to find a loophole, a wormhole to bring me back all my assurance and knowing. I versed myself on the finer points, the broader foundations, the intentions, the culture, the history and yet, I could not unsee what I had seen. I wished I could and still I couldn't. I was not wrong but I didn't know that. I made myself wrong and felt deep pointed pains of loss and grief. 

There is a difference among the disaffected, between those of us who never felt the true-blue depth of Mormonism, and those who did. It is the divisible difference between leaving a casual boyfriend/girlfriend and divorcing a person you were deeply in love with and committed to for 20+ years.

I taught gospel doctrine for about 6 months following the collapse of my belief because I hoped that somewhere in Ashley was a spiritual gift to reconcile not only myself, but all the pain the church and its culture had caused, with all the good of all the people who relied on it and were committed to it. 

But then I mercifully moved. I left the branch I had belonged to for 6 years and I stopped going. I have never been back. I started telling friends, told my family, experienced a lot of freedom not having to hide anymore and once my divorce was final, I sent in my official resignation letter and had my records removed from the church. This entire time I had an army of ex mos, jack mos, liberal af mos, mo mos who all loved me. But even still I had to learn to love the me I never planned on becoming. I had roadmaps of unorthodoxy, exit, resignation. I had Reddit. I had tools. I had a therapist but some are not so lucky.

I know this hurts to read for some of you. It would have hurt and worried a previous me. I do not share this to "leave the church, but not leave it alone". I share it to humanize something happening that is not one dimensional. You see, I never foresaw this path for myself. And because of the alchemic work I have done to accept, embrace and grow from all this I have become someone I was always afraid I could never be. And I love her. And I'm grateful that I'm not LDS and at the same time I am grateful that I was. And that's flippin' hard to work through and not everyone can say that. 

So, here is the point of this long long share. And a little invitation... Our culture of Mormonism is filled with countless people who, like I once was, are running and aching and sobbing and begging and hoping to reconcile their faith. They are everywhere. For some, even once reconciliation and relief comes, they stay. The reasons are myriad and each one is real and worthy and shitty and isolating and painful beyond what I can explain here.

These people are teaching gospel doctrine, they are bishops, they are your daughters-in-law, they are leading auxiliaries, working at the COB, at BYU- all wearing the costume, walking the walk, because it is too painful to leave, too expensive, too emotionally costly, too dangerous. And sometimes if may be because of things they have heard you say. It may be that they are so certain that your love is limited to their 10% and temple recommend that they keep this huge grief from you, resigning to live as a shadow. And you don't know who they are because this is a well-intentioned culture that encourages us to "doubt out doubts" and therefore we erroneously "doubt the doubters" and that hurts people terribly.

Years ago when I was very "in" and I was hoping to gain insight on how to empathize and create safety for those who were out, or verging on it, a therapist invited me to "BE CURIOUS"- be empathetic. 
That is where the magic begins. And if that feels safe, and you can follow the inclusive lessons of Christ a bit deeper you will deepen. It will profoundly enrich you to embrace others. Maybe you will find that you would be okay having a family member or friend who is changing shape. Open your mouth and reaffirm their place and security as someone you love and trust who can love and trust you.

My dad said the most beautiful thing a few years ago, "I trust that you had good reasons for leaving and I still think you are great." That is ideal! If you can't say it with integrity, start by withholding your judgements about those leave because you never, ever know who will leave next.

THOUGHTS // To the "Too Much" Woman

How much have we hidden to show only one side? How many parts have we divorced, and where did those parts go? What does it mean to make a welcome home for ourself, after we sent her away?

Woman, you do not fit into narrow prescriptions.

You are an endless landscape, an ecosystem entire of light and dark, rot and flowering.

You are the seed breaking forth, angry and determined.

You are the dark soil parting and nourishing.

You are the gift that the world called forth, you are whole and holy, you don’t need what you don’t already have.

You are sprout and root, stem and leaf, not a mere flowering part.

You are all the death that hides and the life that brings you back, again and again.

This is the true story of woman. Don’t let them tell you any different.

M O T H E R // Carol

“It came at a time where we knew it was the end of her life. I knew I wanted it documented even though it was such a painful time. In and out of knowing what was going on in her life, she had stopped constantly only showing happiness. It was sad. Leaving this world is just as hard, messy, and painful as it is coming in.”- Meikel remembering her grandmother. This photograph was taken just a few days before her death.

S E E N // Usha

“She makes me happy. I see a kind, strong woman but behind her layers complicated, intelligent. You captured her grace and love. I look at this picture and see a regular human but with wisdom behind her eyes. You wouldn’t know it but she stood in the Oval Office many times. She met world leaders and conversed with some of the most powerful people in history countless times yet she still appears approachable.”- Neena honoring her Grandmother Usha.

S E E N // Amanda

What do I see? 

I see strength. I see confidence. I see weathered, dry hands that are physical evidence of hard work. I see arms that are small but mighty. I see lovely, wind blown locks. I see a woman standing tall, feeling proud.

Who is she? 

She is a woman who was built with a strong foundation and support system. She is a woman that is willing to take some risks, but not all; who is proud, yet humble. I see a woman who thrives when working hard and creating. She is a woman who cares a little less about what other people think than she did years ago, and is content. Grateful. And happy.- Amanda Green

4/20
Portraits of Mother by Ashley Thalman
7 Sessions Available
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S E E N // Audrey

M  O  T  H  E  R

“How do I feel about the person in the photo? I would say. Forgiven, embraced, connected and loved. A person who is looking toward the light and forgiven the past of its darkness. No longer sweeping it under the rug or dwelling on its hardship. Embracing the light of all possibilities to come.

How do I feel about how she looks? Stunning. Look at her strong body and capable mind. Those eyes and that smile. Wow. Hair of a goddess.” - Audrey Christensen 

4/20
Portraits of Mother by Ashley Thalman
8 Sessions Available
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Song of the Week // Bad Girls- M.I.A.

S E E N // Vanessa

M O T H E R

“I see a woman determined to do the inner work necessary to heal from the betrayal of a religion she once would have died for. I see a woman consciously healing from the betrayal of a partner she thought would stand by her in good and bad times. I see a woman who was just beginning to realize the ultimate betrayal was to herself – being so wrapped up into the labels of wife and mother that she forgot who she was.

I see a woman willing to fight for safety, both for herself and her children, not knowing if that meant a new home 500 miles away in the familiarity of Arizona desert. I see a woman who was prepared to raise four kids on her own - shifting into a new co-parenting paradigm.

I see a woman who believed in magic. A woman who watched the 2017 solar eclipse in totality, with her children at her side, believing magic would come. And it did come. In the form of a good, gentle man with a kind heart and willing hands who physically built back the pieces of a broken, abandoned home.

I see a woman who worshiped Mt. Timpanogos from the view of her new kitchen, standing at the countertops she stained herself. It was a beacon of hope every golden hour watching the brilliant colors glow on the peak. 

I see a woman who held and touched pain, who gave space to sorrow. I see a woman who was determined to rise above the valley of pain.

I see a woman who rose up from the ashes of what once was, transformed into a new radiant being. I see a woman who learned her value, self-worth, and identity are not determined by any religion, person, or labels. I see myself as whole. I see myself as good. I see myself as enough.

Now, it’s probably too long, but I wrote what I needed to.”- Vanessa Adams Kerr

4/20
Portraits of Mother by Ashley Thalman
9 Sessions Available
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S E E N // Maddie

M O T H E R

”As I left the hospital with empty arms and a hole in my heart that was the exact shape of his body, I couldn’t help but once again, feel helpless:  Who in the fuck was going to rescue me from this? From burying this child that had my eyes and my nose and that I never got the chance to know?

Having braved the journey through that grief, I know now that the answers to this question wouldn't be found in another book. It wouldn't be found in another class, or another person.

I know now that where I really needed to begin, where we always need to begin, is sitting on the floor, with our eyes closed. That the first step I had to take, the first step anyone must take, is inward".” - Maddie Beeton 

4/20
Portraits of Mother by Ashley Thalman
10 Sessions Available
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AIRPORTRAITS // Mo Amer

It was an October Monday in the quiet Edmonton airport where I met Mo. It was a chanced meeting and, like foreordained companions, we passed through TSA, through the sad terminal architecture, through the heavy-handed duty free gift shop- as a pair.

Taking cues from time and place, we chose a corner where the light was right, a place to talk and share. In that place we were seen and we saw each other. The truth is that Mo blessed me by being seen and showing up like he did. Connection, kindness, consideration, and fantastic light is all around us. And Mo, he’s experienced, artistic, deep, and funny. It has been so amazing in the last year and a half to see and watch Mo’s light and depth shine in a world that needs his voice, needs his generosity and humor.

THOUGHTS // Fuck Easy

I still don’t know if it is right after all, did I keep the truth and the fear in balance? I don’t know, but I felt proud writing it. I have always loved writing but I didn’t know much of how to do it until the last few months. It was always too personal to me and so I abstracted myself. There must be a million ways we abstract our clarity and each one has led me to becoming more and more and more distant from the sharpness I needed to bring to my writing, to my work as a portrait photographer, to the way I navigate hard heavy things that I don’t know how to do.

Here is what I wrote:

The relationship was so obviously mismatched that I didn’t think I needed to set boundaries for it. That’s how easy this shit always starts and then seven months later you’ve settled. 
This photo was taken in 2017 on the day I decided I was going to break up with him. Three months and tries later I broke it off and blocked the number.

I’m not going to tidy this story up.

I’m not going to be flippant with the pain I had to feel by living this shitty story. I won’t soften it with, “and then I met Matthew” or lighten it up with fake laughter comforts, “ha ha, I was so blind”. Not a chance. That would be too easy and I’m not going to do easy to the woman in this photo, or the woman writing this post, or the women reading it.

The stupid truth is that I settled because it was easy.

Fuck easy.

Easy will rob you just like it robbed me. Easy is reflexive, easy is purposeless. Easy is a boy. Easy is a check in the bank and a boss you can blame. Easy is a slippery silent backslide to your own made-up bullshit. Easy neither asks nor makes anything of us, or for us. Easy will never scare you or excite you. Easy isn’t as bargain it’s a burden, it’s slavery. You deserve better and so did I.

This photo was taken by my friend Maddie Beeton

THOUGHTS // Reality of Love

Snapped these a few weekends ago after completing Javi’s professional headshots. Seeing a friend in love is a magic I will always follow and want to capture and know more about. Natty and Javi met on a day where he, riding his bicycle, wasn’t planning to turn right. They met in a place that if she’d left just a minute earlier, she would have missed him. But what could have happened, didn’t happen. What happened is that reality that brought them together, and reality got it right.

BRAND PORTRAITURE // Amanda Green Pottery

I love these images Amanda and I created for her brand, Amanda Green Pottery. Amanda married Jordan Green, my dear friend Natalie’s brother. A few weeks ago while making headshots for Javi, Natalie’s boyfriend, I mentioned my admiration and attraction to Amanda’s work and that evening Amanda reached out to book her first professional production shoot…with ME!

Just a few weeks later Amanda and I met at UItraviolet Studios for her production headshot session to highlight her work. A few minutes before her session she shot me a text, “Hey Ashley! It's Amanda, we'll be there soon with coffee.”

With her little Edie in tow, quietly sitting on a pile of quilts, tinkering with Jenga and oranges, we set up her wardrobe and earrings according to color and style. I loved seeing Amanda’s beautiful work in person. I’ve been a long-time Instagram fan but to see her work in person added another dimension to my admiration. Her earrings are unexpected, feminine, and unique and her pots and fruit basket are excellently crafted. I’ve been wanting to see her work in person and the experience did not disappoint.

Amanda and I utilized my studios’s organic color palates and backdrops to highlight her with her work and the results do not disappoint. The time we scheduled flew by like it always does with the right project with the right people.

I cannot wait for our next session Amanda. Thank you for trusting me as you grow your business and expand your craft and art.